Day 95: Maximum Capacity

Boring post alert.

My maximum capacity is smaller than it was. I am satisfied much sooner than I used to be. Either that or I’m just responding to my body cues better. Either way, I’m happy. These results are very slow. But progress is being made- the fact that I set my goal to adapt a different eating style in a year time frame has really helped me have the patience to allow this to happen without demanding immediate results. In the past, I would do crazy goals that were unrealistic and not maintainable. This feels much more like a lifestyle change.

Day 94: Trust in Me

I’ve brought this up before, but it was reiterated to me today. One of the issues with dieting is restricting oneself. It leads to resentment and binging. While I’ve been trying to avoid restrictions, I impose those limitations on myself sometimes because I simply don’t trust myself to eat just what makes me feel satisfied. This morning, I saw some leftover chocolate that i wanted. My first thought was, “Nope, you can’t have that. You won’t be able to stop.” And I was ready to walk away from it. But I decided that would make me mad. So I had some. And I was satisfied with so very little. I didn’t need more and I didn’t take more. I realized (again) that I need to start trusting myself more. I becoming more comfortable with leaving food once I’m satisfied, which is normally difficult for me, especially if it’s sometbinf I really like.

Day 93: Gluten Free - But For Real

(Writing a day late on behalf of yesterday.) Since starting my intuitive eating, one thing that has improved is the number of times I cheat and eat gluten. My case of celiac disease is unique because I’m largely asymptomatic. I can eat gluten without feeling the wrath for a long time, if ever. But the damage is being done to my small intestine, regardless of what I feel. So avoiding gluten entirely has always been a bit of a challenge for me, since I don’t feel immediate consequences. Since trying to eat only according to when I’m hungry, I’ve definitely made much better choices when it comes to gluten. Yesterday, we had a class party and the kids wanted bagels. I got bagels and cream cheese for the class and students brought in dozens of donuts. I did not eat either, which i would have done in the last because it’s really hard for me to turn away food I love when it’s presented to me outside my home. I think limiting my overall intake has helped make this possible.

Days 91 and 92: Job Satisfaction

I had an epiphany on my way to work today. I really like my job. I am lucky to do something I like. Lately, I started wondering if I like it. Today I realized that the job isn’t the problem; the problem is me. Or maybe I should say the problem is OCD. I have a career I love and have always wanted. But because of the form my OCD takes, nothing I do is ever good enough for me. Who wants to work at a job she feels she never does right? I know from long experience that the thoughts telling me my work isn’t adequate don’t reflect reality. But they are constant. I don’t even notice them anymore- it’s just a constant feeling of underachievement. The truth is, I would feel this way at any job. It’s up to me to fight against the distortion. Find the truth. And maybe now that I’m more aware of it, I will be better able to do that!

My heart is breaking for a choir member who lost her only child, a 24 year old son, in a tragic car accident this past weekend. I can’t comprehend that kind of grief. I don’t know her personally- I’ve only seen her in passing over the past year. But this has really hit me hard. It makes me so grateful for all I have. I need to view each day with the ones I love as a precious gift.

Day 90: Renewal

Today was a day of renewal for me in many ways. From doing my laundry all the way to the bottom of the laundry basket to evaluating things I want to change (less time on social media and television, for example) and personally committed to change my behavior.  Of course this doesn’t mean I will all of a sudden become the person I want to be overnight- take this intuitive eating goal of mine, for example. It has been over 3 months and I’m still making a lot of the same mistakes again and again. But the important thing is to keep trying every day. And I guess that’s what I’m committing to do- try a little harder. Get a little closer to the person I want to be.

On that note, I’m recommitting to log my food in to My Fitness Pal, which seriously took a nose dive during spring break/Easter/general conference. Fresh start starting.....

NOW.

Day 89: It’s the Easter Bunny’s Fault

Why is Easter candy the best, most irresistible candy? Let’s resume the healthy living conversation tomorrow. 🙈

Day 88: Easter with the Prophet

I spent Easter with a prophet of God today. It was awesome. I cannot believe he is 93. It boggles my mind. I am so grateful to God today for the gift of Jesus Christ and for good men and women chosen by God to help us turn to Him and find great joy in this life and the life to come. I know I don’t get everything. I can’t explain many, many things. There are lots of things that confuse and perplex me. I  struggle with the unfairness of life sometimes- I don’t know why some of my friends suffer more than others (or at least differently).  But I also can’t deny the feelings of the Spirit that confirm to me God’s plan. I want to better live the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know if I do, He will be beside me throughout all the ups and downs of life. I left this conference feeling extremely blessed. I must never fall in the trap of feeling sorry for myself, because I’ve been given so much. I may not have everything I ever wanted, but who does? And the best is yet to come I think. The more we grow in understanding of the gospel, the happier our lives will be.

Today marks a year since I first sang with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!