Monday, April 30, 2018

Day 116 & 117: Be Still, My Heart!

I had a poignant experience yesterday, one I don’t think I’ll soon forget. It was terrifying. It taught me a lot. In the scheme of things, it was a very small inconvenience and not of great significance in terms of the time it occupied. But to me, it was life changing. I faced some things I never had before and learned what my response was in those unique situations.

I woke up feeling fine and went to choir Sunday morning. I got to my seat and realized I left my necklace in the wardrobe room. I had to go all he way back down, which is a couple flights of stairs when added up. I hurried down, hurried back up, and took my place just as warmups began. But I couldn’t get cool. I kept fanning myself. When I stood, my body felt heavy and my vision seemed to dim. I kept having to sit down.  I turned to my friend Brett and told her I didn’t feel well and something was wrong. My heart started racing. My other friend, Sonja, asked if I needed some food and grabbed me a granola bar. I put it to my lips and let it drop- I was too weak to eat it and knew something was really wrong. Sonja hurried for the choir doctor, Dr. Palmer. He is an ENT and is present at all rehearsals and performances in case of emergencies. With 400+ people in a physically and vocally demanding performance setting, it’s so smart to have him there. He escorted me to a chair outside of the choir loft and took my pulse, which was very speedy. My hands also started tingling. Sonja stayed with me. He escorted me down to the horseshoe, a place where we sometimes rehearse under the Tabernacle. Sonja stayed with me again while he went to find Dr. Anderson, a cardiologist who happens to play in the orchestra on temple square. I laid on the ground. I had Sonja call my parents because they were still in Provo and hadn’t gone back to California yet. It was decided after Dr. Anderson took my pulse that I would ride with Dr. Palmer to the emergency room. Dr. Anderson gave me his card and told me to call if needed anything. He also gave the emergency room a call to give them a heads up that I was on my way. Before I left, Dr. Palmer and one of the stage crew members gave me a blessing.  He saved me a lot of money by not calling an ambulance! Sonja collected my clothes and they took me in a wheelchair to the parking garage and Dr. Palmer and I went to the emergency room at the hospital where I was born.

Upon arrival at the hospital, a nurse helped me undress and they put a bunch of stickers on my chest to hook me up to a machine. They drew a bunch of blood, gave me an IV of fluids, and took an X-ray of my lungs. Over the course of the next hour, I had a brief period of nausea followed by cold and shaking, followed by sudden heat, followed by shaking again. I needed an extra blanket, then needed it removed, then needed it back on again. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. My parents arrived and Dr. Palmer left. We waited for the results of the tests. Slowly but surely, I could talk with more ease and my body calmed down. They came in and delivered the news that met my deductible and I owed $1050 between the deductible and the co-pay. When the doctor came in, he said the results of the tests they took were all normal (thyroid, heart, lungs, etc.). My mom informed him that she and her mother both were diagnosed with heart arrhythmia. He recommended I follow up with a cardiologist this week.

My parents drove to the conference center, picked up my car, and I went upstairs to get changed. I was going with my parents to Provo to take it easy. I was feeling great- almost as though nothing happened. My roommate Hailey totally surprised me by cleaning my room (which was a complete disaster!). When I got back to the condo, I went to lie down. I responded to some texts and started to read a book before realizing I wanted to sleep. As I started replaying what happened in my mind, the feeling of heaviness and faintness came over me again. I went in to my parents’ room and laid down and my parents started talking me through it. I started shaking again, this time worse than before. Not only were my legs shaking, but my teeth were chattering. As my mom coached me through deep breathing, my body calmed down. My mom explained it was most likely the adrenaline in my body still coursing through- basically a panic attack in the aftermath of my body going in to fight or flight mode when I got sick earlier in the morning. My mom and I are both worriers, so I was shocked at how calm she remained through the whole morning. She said she felt a strong impression earlier that morning everything would be okay. She also very recently had a similar episode of  heart arrhythmia and it was brought to her memory as I was going through my own experience. She felt strongly that it wasn’t going to be life threatening. For the rest of the evening, I felt okay on and off. I decided to take work off the next day, which ended up being a good choice, as I felt like I got hit by a truck the next morning. By midday, I was basically back to 100%.

Things I learned about myself:

1) I was determined not to lose consciousness, because I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I was holding on to lucidity as tightly as I could. I was so scared, and even afraid I was dying. It sounds dramatic now, but when I started losing control of my body, it felt like anything could happen.  I knew I didn’t want to die. It was frightening to feel like I was facing that possibility.

2) It was hard for me to understand why everyone seemed so calm and normal around me when I felt like my whole world was changing. People were talking to me conversationally and I was having a difficult time responding because my body was so weak. It felt so strange to feel so abnormal and to see such normalcy around me. I know now it was a combination of them trying to keep me calm and also them having a greater understanding of what was happening than I did- they were as concerned as the situation merited.

3) I yearned for physical contact when I was so scared. I remember lying on the floor with Dr. Anderson sitting above me. I reached over and touched his shoe with my hand and told him I was scared. I told people I was scared over and over again. When my parents arrived at the emergency room, I wanted my mom to touch my face.

4) I felt stupid. Of course I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me, but I also did not want people to to think I made it up.. This really upset me. As I reflect back, I know it wasn’t anything I could help. It came on so suddenly and the symptoms I felt were very real. My heart was racing enough (130 or 140 at resting) that two doctors determined it was safer to get it checked out. So rationally, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. But the idea of being a girl who “cried wolf” was extremely upsetting to me.

5) Having people close by meant everything to me. I realized now why people say they don’t want to die alone. I wasn’t going to die, but i didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t want to be left by myself with the fear for even a second. I was so grateful to Sonja, to Dr. Palmer, and to my parents for making sure I wasn’t alone throughout the whole ordeal.

6) I was grateful for savings. A year ago at this time, I had very little savings after buying my house a year before and paying mortgage alone. One of the best things I ever did for myself emotionally and financially was get a roommate to help shoulder the cost and to be a shoulder to lean on when times
are hard. My dad recommended a get a roommate, but I thought I wanted to be a “grown-up” and do it alone. But I’ve learned doing everything by myself doesn’t define adulthood.  It’s making decisions that will help me be the best person I can be. Though I did not like shelling out over $1000, I was grateful I had savings to draw from.

7) Only the week before, I was telling a friend how healthy I am and how sometimes I wished I got sick so it would force me to stop the busy pace of my life. I regret saying that. I need to always be grateful for what I have and instead figure out how to slow down and do less WITHOUT wishing to be forced to do it.

Grateful for what life teaches me and I hope I can use it to become a more useful human in the future!

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Day 114 & 115: Lit

It’s so easy to sit and snack mindlessly without much thought for hunger or satisfaction. I made popcorn and flourless chocolate cookies tonight to accompany a movie with some choir friends. I had to fight the temptation to eat well beyond capacity because it was sitting there throughout the whole movie and it was food I like. I did eat beyond my comfort level, but I tried to be more prudent than in the past. That’s the goal- to adapt my lifestyle a little bit at a time and develop new habits. I hope I can make this a permanent change.

I got lights for my yard! We are all ready for Hailey’s birthday party next week. That is, if you don’t count the 3,000 weeds that need to be extricated in the next 7 days. Let’s see if that actually happens. But at least we’ve got lights. Maybe I can keep everyone inside until it gets dark so they can enjoy the lights but miss the weeds 😂. #goalz

Friday, April 27, 2018

Days 112 &113: Choices

Wednesday, I made a conscious choice not to eat intuitively. I had a busy day and a concert in the evening. I just didn’t want to tune in to my body cues. So I didn’t. I enjoyed my eating experiences that day much less than I normally would have because I was eating beyond what I was hungry for.

Today I made a conscious choice to stop eating when I was full. As a result, I decided not to have the bowl of fruity pebble and marshmallow cereal that sounded SO delicious as “dessert” because I was satisfied after eating dinner.

The second choice made me feel better. It’s wonderful to do things because they have good results and not because you feel like you have to do them.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Day 111: Unforced Productivity

This continues somewhat from yesterday. After evaluating the "what if's" of not using my time wisely, I decided to let go of the guilt. I was going to allow myself to just lay in bed and read and not dictate every minute of my afternoon after I got home and not care about whether or not it was the right thing to do or if it was fair to other people who don't get to do things like that. I was just going to do what I wanted. This sounds selfish, but the psychology of it had an incredible effect. After getting home from gettin my oil changed and making dinner, I went to my room, read a People magazine, and took a nap. By 6:30 pm, I was awake and had a strong desire to work out for the first time in months. I went for a 3 mile walk while listening to a fascinating podcast called Invisibilia. This episode was about how future behavior can't really be predicted by a mathematical formula.  After that, I got so many things done! I deposited checks, did laundry, and got some things ready for a couple upcoming par-tays.  I didn't do everything I wanted to- I will need to finish some things tomorrow. But I did a lot and it was not under extreme duress or pressure.  I thrived when I allowed myself to govern my own choices, instead of allowing anxiety to dictate my schedule.  The anxiety paralyzed me. I couldn't act. That was part of the reason for my exercise slump.  But I'm feeling more free again.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Day 109 & Day 110: What If

I go to counseling periodically to check in and revisit coping techniques for OCD. One of those resonated with me today in particular. It’s the, “what if” strategy. What if all my worst fears about myself came true? Would it be as terrible as I think? For example, I stress non-stop about being productive and not wasting time. Sometimes it’s hard for me to relax without feeling guilty. So I have to ask myself, “What if I really did waste every minute I spent at home after work?” Would the world stop turning? Nope. Would I be a horrible, unworthy person? No. Using these "what if" statements helps to make the things that scare me the most a little less intimidating.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Day 107 & 108: Don’t You Quit

Queen Holly V. Green X, if you are reading this, I need to know how this dream Italy trip came to be and where is next on the bucket list (but this time bring me).

I saw a quote today that I’ve heard before, but it just happened to come at a really good moment for me. My mind was caught in a rut of negativity- I was feeling frustrated by the many things I need to improve. I was feeling pretty defeated and I scrolled by the quote by Elder Holland that says, “Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying.” It was such a welcome relief to my burdened mind. We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, every day. I think I can manage that.

It was Aunt Kelly’s funeral today. I loved hearing about her from the perspective of her three cherished sons and her two best friends. It was an honor to sing my testimony to family members who don’t necessarily share my beliefs but who I love so much. It was great to reconnect with my cousins and see so many other family members that look like my aunt and my dad. I am truly so saddened when I think of my three cousins without their mom in mortality, especially as they have children. But there was a sense of joy at the funeral as well, which seems impossible when someone dies so young. She is no longer trapped in a body holding her captive by disease. She is at peace and she will see her sons again and can enjoy them from heaven for now.

Interestingly, I also sang the Brahms Requiem tonight win the Chorale. It was very timely. What an incredible work with gorgeous, hopeful text.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Day 105 &106: Popcorn Popping

Even when I’m not at my best in terms of eating intuitively, I usually don’t desire to binge like I used to. That’s promising. But here is one of my biggest weaknesses: movie popcorn. That I completely binge out on. That’s something I need to work on, because I’ve been seeing a lot of movies recently and all of a sudden popcorn has become a requirement for me when I go. It’s starting to feel a little bit like an addiction. I don’t want to give it up, but I also don’t want it to control me. So I need to work on tuning in to my body better and figuring out when my body is ready to stop instead of just eating until I reach the bottom of the bowl because it’s soooooo delicious and I just want it.

Tonight I had a bit of a debate with myself about food. I came home at 9:30 pm and was hungry. One of my hard and fast rules is I have to feed my body when it’s hungry. That keeps me from resenting the process of learning how to eat moderately, “giving up,” and returning to bad habits. But it is so late at night and I am about ready to go to sleep. My mind doesn’t want to eat. So I am consciously choosing not to. But I don’t want to fall in to the trap of starting to eat less than what I need to try to get faster results. This process is not about losing weight fast and I have to guard against that temptation. My guess is I’m probably down about 10-15 pounds from where I started and in 3.5 months, I think that’s healthy weight loss. And I don’t feel like I’ve been dieting- just being more aware.

Like I mentioned, I haven’t been food journaling in my fitness pal. But I’ve got a pretty good idea of my food consumption now after having done many days of it and maybe it’s okay to be done with the food logging- maybe i could check in once a week or something to make sure I’m maintaining good habits.

So excited my brother is coming to town tomorrow night for a couple days. I love his personality and the person he is. I don’t get to spend enough time with him.

Tomorrow is another planned student walkout for gun control. The school isn’t supporting this one, but I still know many of my students are participating. This one starts at 10 am and lasts the rest of the day. I support kids being passionate about school safety and expressing themselves peacefully. But my co-worker brought up a good point: as teachers, we would love for students to have specific goals and plans of action to make happen what they want to have happen. If they are going to leave, they need to know what they are fighting for and how they are going to do it. A crowd mentality is so easy to be part of, especially in high school. I think there will be many kids very passionate about change who leave school and activitely pursue change. I think others will do it because their friends are doing it or because it seems like it’s an easy day to skip because everyone else is gone. It’s tough because we have a concert coming up- it’s harder for me to feel supportive when it’s affecting their rehearsal time! Which I know is selfish. I hope they know it’s okay to stay, and it doesn’t mean they don’t believe in the cause. They may just have a different way planned to accomplish their goals. You can still be pro-gun control and not participate in a walk out. Anyway, just rambling, trying to make sense of it all.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Day 104: Pause to Reflect

Day has been a bit of a tough day.

I made the mistake of engaging in a verbal power struggle with a high school student who cannot see things rationally. The student was derisive, foul mouthed, and mean. It was completely undeserved, and I say that sincerely. I’m am the first one to say that I have my own weaknesses, but I can honestly attest that this was his issue and not mine. It ended with me having to leave the classroom for a few minutes in tears. This doesn’t happen often. There are problems with every job. There are hard days, no matter what your profession. This situation happened to be on a day when I was already feeling the weight of my imperfections keenly.

I have some goals I’ve had for a long time that I’m really struggling to get going. One of those is exercise. I’m not sure what the mental block is about. I’ve also stopped logging my food and am struggling with my eating goals. That’s very frustrating to me. I haven’t been able to focus as well as I’d like during my free time, either. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. I know what I should do- but I can’t bring myself to do those things.

I need to take a step back and figure out what my hang up is. Sometimes it’s the fact that I feel like there is so much to tackle that it paralyzes me. Sometimes I think I’m just tired. I don’t know the balance between good relaxing and relaxing in excess. I’m going to focus on taking little steps towards meeting my goals and rejoice in those.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Day 103: Movie Mashup Challenge

I want to remember this to use for future years, so I'm writing it down for today's blog post. This is a lesson plan we did today in Madrigals:

1) Have everyone draw a number. I decided to do 6 groups of 4 people each, so I labeled little pieces of paper from 1-6 four times.

2) Each group gets together and randomly draws from a bag two songs that come from movies (our concert theme this year is, "Night at the Movies." I tried to pick popular, well-known movie songs like "Let it Go," "I Will Always Love You," "Happy," "Footloose," etc.  On purpose, I made them all different genres and tempos.

3) Groups have an hour to create a mashup of their two songs, being as creative as possible. They can change tempos, alter time signatures, make the song into a different genre, etc. 

4) If kids are unhappy with their song choices and feel like they need a stronger link between their songs, they are allowed to draw a third song, but all 3 songs must be used in some way.

5) About 15-20 minutes in to the challenge, give students a "help" on a slip of paper that they can choose to use or not to use. The help says, "You may trade a song with another group if you choose."

6)  30-40 minutes in to the challenge, give students a second "help" they can choose to use or not to use. The help says, "You may replace one of your songs with another movie song of your choice, or you may add a song."  The idea is if they use one of the helps, they have less time to work on it, but they have more options than they had at the beginning. 

Some of the groups chose not trade OR to change their songs, even though they were griping and complaining at the beginning.  Some of them said they had never even heard of the song and they still chose to keep them with 15-20 minutes left on the clock. These were actually some of the most effective performances.  Here are some of the things they did with the assignment:

One group chose to draw a third song. They ended up with,"Footloose," "My Heart Will Go On" and "Let it Go." Their mashup was quite impressive, and they didn't trade their songs or choose any new ones.  One person played some standard chords on the piano and changed the melody to "My Heart Will Go On" to better match "Let It Go." 

Another group drew "Hakuna Matata" and "I Will Always Love You."  They changed Hakuna Matata in to a love ballad- it was really hilarious.  Especially when they sang, "When I was a young warthog."  This group probably drew the two hardest songs and stuck with them the whole time.

One group chose, "The Way You Look Tonight" and "You'll Be In My Heart."  They found the karaoke track for "You'll Be In My Heart" and found ways to fit in the rhythm and melody of, "The Way You Look Tonight." Sometimes they sang parts directly over one another. 

A group of 3 boys and a girl, after using all the helps, ended up with two brand new songs by the end of the assignment.  In just 15-20 minutes with their new songs, they came up with something very lovely. 

Another group used both their helps and ended up choosing on their own song in place of one of the ones they were given. They picked the song, "The Colors of The Wind" to mashup with, "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman.  The texts were well linked. 

I wasn't sure how this would go, but it ended up being really cool and I feel like a lot of life lessons were learned about collaboration and making something out of seemingly nothing. Some of them were mad the whole time and never really jumped on board, but some were really proud of their creativity. 

This will launch in to a project with much wider parameters and freedom of choice. They will be allowed to work on their own or in a group and they will be allowed to do a number of different projects:

1) Write a song from scratch
2) Arrange an existing song
3) Change the lyrics to an existing melody
4) Do a mashup with songs of their choice

I'm hoping doing this first will show them what they can do and what their capabilities are!

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Day 101 and Day 102: Aunt Kelly

My beautiful Aunt Kelly passed away on Tuesday night. My aunt was classy and elegant. Her laughter was musical. She raised three incredible boys who are my dear friends. They loved their mother deeply. Her husband, Bill, showed immeasurable strength and dedication as he stood by her side every minute of a long and scary illness. Though always graceful, my aunt showed me what true courage and grace is during the last few years of her life as she perservered in faith.
Kelly was my dad’s big sister, but only by one year. Growing up, she was such a good sport to put up with four younger brothers, especially ones as “creative” as her brothers (I recall stories about burping recordings and snakes that revolved around getting squeals out of their big sister). I was the first girl born on the Houston side since Aunt Kelly. After she was born in 1953, there were four brothers and then 3 grandsons before I was born in 1983, 30 years later. That was always a special connection I had with her. Then, just after me, the first of her THREE boys was born! Needless to say, Aunt Kelly knew well how to raise boys, as evidenced by the sweet, good men they became. Their lives are a legacy of their mother’s love and devotion. I also know she influenced greatly the kind, good man my dad is.
My aunt was older when she got married. She carved out an incredible life for herself before the time was right to marry and have a family. She went to college, graduated in a field she was passionate about, and traveled the world. She continued using her talents in many ways after she left her job outside the home to become a full time mother. I remember attending a class at education week that she helped present using her skillset In the fashion industry. Especially now as a single adult, her life is inspirational to me. As I read her obituary, I learned new things about her that make me even more proud to be her niece.
We were raised to call our aunts and uncles by “aunt” and “uncle” and I remember her telling me when I was older that I could stop doing that because it made her feel old 😂. But I never could bring myself to do it! Kelly was part of my life since the very beginning of it, always greeting me with her beautiful smile and interest in what I was doing. I will miss very much the sound of her voice and having her present in my life...for now. I love you Aunt Kelly and I’m so glad you’re free from suffering.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Day 98 and 99: What a Difference a Day (doesn't) Make!

An interesting thing happened.  I put on a dress yesterday and realized it fit me better. It was a very subtle thing, but it was absolute.  I was sure I had ruined everything after my little cheesecake fiasco on Tuesday. I remembered again that messing up one day isn't ever a reason to throw up one's hands and quit. It's important to keep trying. I was definitely feeling lack luster about my goals and this was good motivation; however, I started doing the thing where I feel like I need to deprive myself in order to continue to get results (and potentially get them faster). I've had to talk myself through that a few different times, remembering that depriving myself (rather than eating until my body is satisfied) is the opposite of what I want to do, because it creates resentment and, later, binge tendencies. It's been pretty cool to start to see a difference with this method.

I do have to say that I have slacked big time on logging my food every day.  I kind of wonder if it conflicts a little bit with the whole idea of eating intuitively, though the purpose behind it was to create accountability and awareness, which I still think are important values. I need to decide how best to proceed- I don't want to take away accountability, but I don't want to hate/resent tracking calories, either.

I lost my aunt on Tuesday night. I definitely have thoughts I want to share about that, but I need some time to sit and think and process.

Bye :-).

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Day 97: Rule Breaker

I definitely violated everything Intuitive Eating stands for tonight. I went to Cheesecake Factory for a friend's birthday. I wanted cheesecake, but the only gluten free one is a rich Godiva chocolate kind that I don’t really like that much. I got it anyway and ate it, even though I didn’t really enjoy it and wasn’t hungry for it. I saved half to eat later when I got home from choir. Again, it wasn’t satisfying. I was doing it because I wanted to get rid of it and have it be gone. But I couldn’t stand throwing away something expensive and tasty. It’s not that I didn’t like it, but I would have enjoyed something else much more and I definitely ate beyond capacity. It’s little decisions like those made daily that cause weight gain for me.

But tomorrow is a new day! I’m getting the hang of it, slowly but surely. These little setbacks are okay every once in awhile!

Monday, April 9, 2018

Day 96: Scrapbooking for Days

I scored tons of free scrapbooking supplies from my brother in law who sources for craft companies and from my friend Jen in my ward who is trying to reduce the amount of craft supplies she owns. Today, I made a homemade bridal shower invite using all the supplies. It has been a long time since I’ve helped with a bridal shower- most of my friends finished getting married years ago!

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Day 95: Maximum Capacity

Boring post alert.

My maximum capacity is smaller than it was. I am satisfied much sooner than I used to be. Either that or I’m just responding to my body cues better. Either way, I’m happy. These results are very slow. But progress is being made- the fact that I set my goal to adapt a different eating style in a year time frame has really helped me have the patience to allow this to happen without demanding immediate results. In the past, I would do crazy goals that were unrealistic and not maintainable. This feels much more like a lifestyle change.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Day 94: Trust in Me

I’ve brought this up before, but it was reiterated to me today. One of the issues with dieting is restricting oneself. It leads to resentment and binging. While I’ve been trying to avoid restrictions, I impose those limitations on myself sometimes because I simply don’t trust myself to eat just what makes me feel satisfied. This morning, I saw some leftover chocolate that i wanted. My first thought was, “Nope, you can’t have that. You won’t be able to stop.” And I was ready to walk away from it. But I decided that would make me mad. So I had some. And I was satisfied with so very little. I didn’t need more and I didn’t take more. I realized (again) that I need to start trusting myself more. I becoming more comfortable with leaving food once I’m satisfied, which is normally difficult for me, especially if it’s sometbinf I really like.

Day 93: Gluten Free - But For Real

(Writing a day late on behalf of yesterday.) Since starting my intuitive eating, one thing that has improved is the number of times I cheat and eat gluten. My case of celiac disease is unique because I’m largely asymptomatic. I can eat gluten without feeling the wrath for a long time, if ever. But the damage is being done to my small intestine, regardless of what I feel. So avoiding gluten entirely has always been a bit of a challenge for me, since I don’t feel immediate consequences. Since trying to eat only according to when I’m hungry, I’ve definitely made much better choices when it comes to gluten. Yesterday, we had a class party and the kids wanted bagels. I got bagels and cream cheese for the class and students brought in dozens of donuts. I did not eat either, which i would have done in the last because it’s really hard for me to turn away food I love when it’s presented to me outside my home. I think limiting my overall intake has helped make this possible.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Days 91 and 92: Job Satisfaction

I had an epiphany on my way to work today. I really like my job. I am lucky to do something I like. Lately, I started wondering if I like it. Today I realized that the job isn’t the problem; the problem is me. Or maybe I should say the problem is OCD. I have a career I love and have always wanted. But because of the form my OCD takes, nothing I do is ever good enough for me. Who wants to work at a job she feels she never does right? I know from long experience that the thoughts telling me my work isn’t adequate don’t reflect reality. But they are constant. I don’t even notice them anymore- it’s just a constant feeling of underachievement. The truth is, I would feel this way at any job. It’s up to me to fight against the distortion. Find the truth. And maybe now that I’m more aware of it, I will be better able to do that!

My heart is breaking for a choir member who lost her only child, a 24 year old son, in a tragic car accident this past weekend. I can’t comprehend that kind of grief. I don’t know her personally- I’ve only seen her in passing over the past year. But this has really hit me hard. It makes me so grateful for all I have. I need to view each day with the ones I love as a precious gift.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Day 90: Renewal

Today was a day of renewal for me in many ways. From doing my laundry all the way to the bottom of the laundry basket to evaluating things I want to change (less time on social media and television, for example) and personally committed to change my behavior.  Of course this doesn’t mean I will all of a sudden become the person I want to be overnight- take this intuitive eating goal of mine, for example. It has been over 3 months and I’m still making a lot of the same mistakes again and again. But the important thing is to keep trying every day. And I guess that’s what I’m committing to do- try a little harder. Get a little closer to the person I want to be.

On that note, I’m recommitting to log my food in to My Fitness Pal, which seriously took a nose dive during spring break/Easter/general conference. Fresh start starting.....


Monday, April 2, 2018

Day 89: It’s the Easter Bunny’s Fault

Why is Easter candy the best, most irresistible candy? Let’s resume the healthy living conversation tomorrow. 🙈

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Day 88: Easter with the Prophet

I spent Easter with a prophet of God today. It was awesome. I cannot believe he is 93. It boggles my mind. I am so grateful to God today for the gift of Jesus Christ and for good men and women chosen by God to help us turn to Him and find great joy in this life and the life to come. I know I don’t get everything. I can’t explain many, many things. There are lots of things that confuse and perplex me. I  struggle with the unfairness of life sometimes- I don’t know why some of my friends suffer more than others (or at least differently).  But I also can’t deny the feelings of the Spirit that confirm to me God’s plan. I want to better live the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know if I do, He will be beside me throughout all the ups and downs of life. I left this conference feeling extremely blessed. I must never fall in the trap of feeling sorry for myself, because I’ve been given so much. I may not have everything I ever wanted, but who does? And the best is yet to come I think. The more we grow in understanding of the gospel, the happier our lives will be.

Today marks a year since I first sang with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!