In the past, I've opened up about my struggles with OCD and anxiety. It is always risky to do that, because there might be people who judge and alter their perception of me. But I've decided it's worth the risk if it helps make it less shameful and more understood. I don't really know who reads my blog, but maybe someone can relate to my personal experience with it and feel less
Anxiety and OCD have been part of my life every day for 34 years. Some days are worse than other days; some weeks are worse than other weeks. But it's always hovering there in some form or another. The past week or so has been particularly difficult. As I drove to work this morning, overcome by my own anxious thoughts and feelings, I started to put in to words what it is to me. I say "to me" because it's different for everyone. To some degree, we all have anxiety. I believe, however, that when it begins to interfere significantly with normal daily activities and quality of life, it has to be addressed and somehow managed or else life is miserable. That goes for any form of anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. For me, addressing it is articulating it in writing, which I will attempt to do now.
It's important for me to assign qualities to the OCD and anxiety and not to me personally. I'm the first person to make the assumption that I am my OCD and anxiety (and then despair at who I am). But I am not.
So here is what anxiety/OCD is to me based on my own personal experience:
It is unforgiving.
It is powerful.
It’s invisible.
It’s relentless.
It devalues.
It paralyzes.
It is limiting.
It is irrational.
It is quick to anger.
It is deaf to other opinions.
It views everything through a lens of mediocrity.
It is selective.
It punishes over and over again.
It is selfish.
It second guesses.
It's the master of guilt trips.
It jumps to conclusions.
It induces shame.
It bullies.
It ostracizes.
It is ungrateful.
It is exhausting.
It is limit-testing.
It's lies.
It's jealous.
This sounds really familiar. These are qualities that I often associate with Satan, the adversary to Christ. It's no wonder mental illness is so prevalent in our day and age. He is working overtime to convince us that we are unforgivable and unlovable. It's how he restricts us from doing good in the world. When we believe we are worthless, we stop trying. And when we finally give up, we are in his control.
Now that I've defined what it is, I need to continue exploring how to combat it. This is a lifelong journey for me.
I posted this on Facebook today- it verbalizes some of the anxiety I've been feeling and how I'm working through it.
For a long time (years), I thought I needed to write and arrange my own choral music. It hung over my head that I wasn't contributing original work to the world of choir music. I thought I was restricting myself artistically by not doing it. I wrote/arranged a couple things in the past, so I knew I was capable of it. One day, I sat down to arrange something. After about 30 minutes I thought to myself, "I don't actually enjoy this." From that moment on, I let go of the guilt. It was like a light switch turned on and I realized that it wasn't for me. It would be cool if it was me- but it's not.
Similarly, I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately to be a DIY goddess. Scrolling through Pinterest, it's easy to see there are many rockstar women out there who take something old and ugly and turn it in to something beautiful. They spend very little money, juggle busy lives with children, and still make their houses look magazine worthy. I prefer to buy things like furniture already finished. I would rather hire someone to fix a broken appliance than do it myself. But, for some reason, this haunts me. I am overwhelmed by guilt that I'm not doing it myself when I have two hands and a capable mind (and youtube).
But I have to stop to consider this:
I would much rather make my own cards. I love the way it challenges me creatively. I know that sounds boring and uninteresting to many people. But it is relaxing and fun for me.
I would rather host a bunch of people at my house for a dinner party than to go to one. I want to make the place cards, the boxes for party favors, and cobble together things I already have in creative ways for decorations instead of buying a a ton of themed decor.
I would rather make my own picture slideshows than hire someone to do it.
We are all unique! Our strengths are someone else's weaknesses and vise versa. I believe one of the main purposes of our existence is to help others using our strengths and allow ourselves to be helped with our weaknesses. Expanding our talents is important; yet, there are times and seasons for doing this.
Case in point: I'm remodeling my kitchen and I decided I want to paint my own cabinets and add knobs and handles (with the help of a more knowledgable friend). It's something I really want to do and have wanted to do for a long time. I think it will be fun and I will learn some valuable lessons. But I don't want to refurbish an older kitchen table. I don't want to shop KSL for a good deal on chairs and then fix them up to match the table- I want to find a reasonable price and buy a brand new dining set. I don't want to redo my own floors- I want to hire someone to do it. And as long as I stay within my budget that I've saved up, that's okay!
Let's let go of the guilt, everyone!