This has been a really great experience for me. I don't think I knew what kind of impact this exercise would have on my life. It was refreshing to look for joyful moments in every single day. It wasn't always easy- sometimes I had to think hard to make it to ten. But it was fun. I watched for joy. As things would happen, I'd say to myself, "That's going on my list today!" I sometimes had to look at negative situations and find the positive (for example, see number 4 on the list below). I was also able to evaluate what makes me happy. For example, I realized that for as much stress as food causes me (especially chocolate), it is rarely what brings me the most joy throughout my day. Eating experiences rarely made the top ten. That helped me to realize that I can easily give up unhealthy eating and not experience a loss of joy.
So, with a little bit of sadness, here is the last entry in my "What a Life!" series.
1. I was able to talk very briefly with my dear friend Georgia today. Her words brought me joy as I saw again, like so many times on our mission, how deeply rooted her faith is. This is a translation, and it doesn't come across as beautifully in English as it does in Portuguese. But she said this: "I don't know if time will alleviate the absence I feel of her, but my love and my desire to be with her again will be my strength every day." I have rarely read more touching words. The gospel offers hope when all seems lost. We have to make the decision to grab His outstretched hand and hold fast until the day comes when we can better understand our trials.
2. Today we did a fancy conductor swap during Sacrament meeting that was pretty funny! My friend was conducting the Sacrament hymn and her daughter was crying for her. Her husband came to the stand so the toddler could be near her mom, but it became clear she wanted to be in her mom's arms, not just nearby. So, the husband handed their daughter to his wife right as the song started. She valiantly held her daughter with one hand and started conducting with the other. The little one started to get fussy and squirm, so I decided to rush up to the stand and we traded places, mid song. That was a first time experience for either of us, I'm sure! It gave many in the congregation a little chuckle, but hopefully it was the right choice and not a rash decision on my part.
3. I had the opportunity to visit another ward's young women today. The young women program in our stake is very small, but their leaders are so loving and faithful. It was such a joy to meet the two young women in the ward I visited and find out a little about them. I was pleasantly surprised to hear one of them is going to Highland next year and is planning on taking choir with her twin! That DEFINITELY brought me joy, especially because I have heard them sing together before. Can't WAIT to have them in my Ladies Ensemble!
4. I felt joy in consequences today. The dreaded stomach cramps that are the hallmark effect of Celiac Disease on my body plagued me this afternoon. It's about time. I have been cheating and eating wheat for a couple weeks now. I don't feel immediate effects after eating gluten, so I get away with much more than I should. Today, I actually felt grateful for the reminder to take better care of my body. I am inspired to be better.
5. My cousin Ryan, who I have always been close with, invited me to go visit our sweet Grandmother today. We had a really wonderful time, and were able to have a heart to heart conversation with our Grandma. She has led an extremely interesting and difficult life, but has always been optimistic and faithful. She is also a trooper- she has survived many surgeries and life-threatening illnesses because of her good attitude. We asked her what three pieces of advice she would most like to pass down to her kids and grandchildren. The first thing she said was adaptability. The second accompanied the first- she said it isn't so much about the situation you are given, but how you deal with it. The third thing was, "Love them no matter what!" She said this can apply to either a spouse or a child. I am grateful for her wisdom and the decision she makes not to dwell on the fairness of life and the trials one receives compared to another. No matter what circumstances one finds him/herself in, he/she should make the very best of it.
6. Jeremy's parents and grandparents have always been so sweet to me, ever since before Tina and Jer were married. They invite me every time they have Tina and Jer over for the holidays because they know my parents are far away. That really touches me. So I headed to Kaysville this evening and we had a lovely Easter dinner and dessert (though I had to eat the beautiful shortcake without the cake due to number 4).
7. I got to see my little Monkus again- can't get enough of this boy. He probably made my top ten list 20 times (at least) over the past two weeks. Being an aunt is so incredibly fulfilling for me. I just wish my Ellie Bellie lived closer!! I can't wait to go see her at the end of July and get in a LOT of play time. She has such a vivid imagination and I think we could come up with some pretty amazing games of school (though I will let her be the teacher!).
8. Cam, Jer's little brother, needed help coming up with a skit because he is running for eighth grade student office. I've known Cam since before he was baptized. In fact, Tina and I went to his baptism while Jer was on his mission! Together, Cam and I got to work writing a skit. Cam introduced me to all the songs that are popular right now and I helped him write a script using excerpts of the songs as part of the dialogue. They used to do those ALL the time at DPHS and I don't think they see that as much around here. So hopefully, it will be unique! The past couple days have been difficult and it was nice to focus on something different and fun.
9. Okay, this may be a life record, but a dog has made my top ten AGAIN. Twice in fourteen days. Family, you can pick up your jaws from the ground now. But seriously, I have never seen a dog this small in my life. He's a teacup poodle. It was funny to see him crawling excitedly over little Scotty (who was very patient, I might add).
10. Number ten is something from yesterday. After I heard about Gilda's death, I went to Sugarhouse park and walked for over an hour and a half, listening to music and trying to make sense of my feelings. One song in particular touched me. It's a song I know well, but it resonated with me in a profound way last night.
What I Did for Love from
A Chorus Line
Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me toward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love
Sometimes, the heartache we feel is unbearable. Loneliness is one of the most suffocating emotions we experience. When in the throws of despair, we are tempted to ask ourselves if love is worth it. Why love when the loss of it hurts so badly? It is, however, our memories of love that give us something to live for. They bring us joy as we share them with others. I can't count how many times my mom has told us hilarious stories about her spunky, 5 foot nothing mother, and we have all laughed together (there once was a little miss who went out to piiiiiiick some flowers...). But the one with the most joyful sparkle in her eye every time these stories are recounted is always my mom, because she lived the memory and now gets to treasure it forever.
This concept applies to any relationship where we cared for someone deeply but later find ourselves mourning their loss, whether from death or a devastating breakup. Was it worth the cost? This song reminds me that love is a risk worth taking, even when it doesn't turn out the way we anticipated. I recall moments in all my dating relationships that remind me how joyful life can be. I remember what it felt like to love and be loved. And that brings me happiness. I sometimes look at the stupid things I've done in relationships and feel a little embarrassed for caring so much. But it's through loving people that we learn how to love, and that's not something I can ever regret.
Does that mean it's easier to put my heart on the line, knowing that love will be worth it one way or another? No. It's increasingly more difficult, and sometimes I think living with the memories can be enough for me. It has to be enough for me. But the line, "Kiss today goodbye and point me toward tomorrow" reminds me to look ahead and try again. And again.