The other day, I was chatting with my sister-in-law about this series. I addressed the stigma that mental illness is often viewed as something controllable by the individual. Many think it's "all in one's head." She said, "Yes, just look at what people call it...
mental illness" [emphasis added]. I always knew something sounded off with that designation. Do any readers have better suggestions? What can it be called to illustrate what it really is?
One of the biggest battles I fight as a sufferer of OCD is learning to love and accept myself. I constantly dwell on all the areas where I am falling short, and they are magnified in my mind. I couldn't understand why this was something so difficult for me to overcome. I had parents and siblings who loved and supported me endlessly. They constantly told me they were proud of me and loved me. But it was never enough to satisfy my need for perfection. Good wasn't good enough. People often say, "Do your best. That's all anyone can ask of you." But I always rebutted this idea in my mind. I thought, "If I am really trying my best, I wouldn't make mistakes. I know how I am supposed to act; therefore, when I don't do it, I am not trying my best."
When I was in the music ed program in college, I was required to participate in master classes with all the other vocal emphasis majors. They were horrifying. We had to prepare a song to sing in front of the group and wait while our professor gave us public feedback. I was particularly self-conscious because I was an education major and not a vocal performance major. My voice, therefore, was not at the same level as some of my vocal performance peers. The first time I had to perform in this group setting, I fasted and prayed for at least a week beforehand so I could conquer my fear.
During one particular master class, I was in a group with a professor in the vocal performance department who I didn't know well because he was not one of my class instructors or my voice teacher. I sang my piece and waited for his response. He looked at me and said, "Katie, you are very hard on yourself." I nodded, as this is something I was accustomed to hearing. He then uttered words that bore in to my soul: "But because you're hard on yourself, you're also hard on other people." I was stunned and, quite frankly, mortified. Never before had I considered that I imposed my own struggle to accept myself on other people. He was telling me I held myself and everyone else to an impossible standard. I don't really remember what he said after that, but it doesn't matter. I got the message.
Later, my professor apologized to me for saying something so personal in front of my peers, especially when he didn't know me very well. But I think it was an inspired message. I don't know how he hit the nail on the head when he barely knew my name. No one else in that class will ever remember what he said. I doubt he remembers. But I will never, ever forget. I reflect on that evening often. He was right. I spent a good deal of time judging others. That's how my mind was programmed because I was judging myself the rest of the time.
I have changed a lot since that class nearly ten years ago. Medication has definitely helped; however, a huge part of OCD is stepping away from one's own mind and recognizing irrational thoughts. These are techniques I learned in therapy. I can now accept my own imperfections much more readily as I see them for what they really are: Human. Normal. Acceptable. Opportunities to grow. I also accept the weaknesses of others. Before, everything seemed black and white. Follow the rules and you are good. Break the rules and you are bad. There was only one way to reach the end goal: do everything right all the time Now, I recognize there are millions of journeys to eternal happiness, and none of them are bad. In fact, what I before recognized as the one and only route I now see as laden with misunderstanding. There are better ways to get there.
A friend recently asked me about my favorite scriptures.
Ether 12 is one of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon because I connect it in many ways to my struggles with anxiety. Here are a few of my favorite parts with notes on why they resonate with me. I hope they can bring comfort to someone else.
4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.
It is my faith in God that is my anchor when I lose faith in myself. I pray to Him and he never fails to show me his boundless love for me in His own way.
7 For
it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he
had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after
they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith
in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.
12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith.
I remind myself of this often when it feels like the Lord hasn't heard my prayers for relief. I must first exercise my faith in Him. It is only after that He blesses me with a miracle. But He is always there. This verse reminds me to hold on for the miracle. It will come.
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I have read this verse many times. It was one we studied in seminary when I was in high school. But as I reflected on it last night, I saw the last phrase in an entirely new light. Through faith, my weaknesses can be made strong; this doesn't mean, however, that they will go away. It means that I will draw strength from them. My weaknesses will also strengthen me as a person. They will give me courage. For me, sharing my story with others who may be similarly struggling is part of the journey of finding strength in my weakness.
29 And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith;
The gospel brings me so much comfort and joy. God is real. His love is constant.
41 And now, I would commend you to seek
this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the
grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy
Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever. Amen.