Yesterday was a turning point in my life. I crossed a treacherous bridge and my greatest desire is to continue forward and never look back. I feel like my capacity to feel joy has expanded immeasurably. Spiritually, I feel like a little child who has been fed by the Spirit of God and has consequently grown an inch taller. I haven't by any means reached the spiritual height I want to some day be, but I've made a small, precious amount of progress in that direction.
For those who don't know, once a year my church has a general broadcast for all female members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints around the world. A beautiful choir sings and members of the general relief society presidency (the organization for women) speak. At the end, a member of the presidency over the entire church speaks specifically to us as women.
I have so many thoughts I want to verbalize, but it's impossible to put into written form the overall feeling I had yesterday after hearing the words of President Uchtdorf and how profoundly they have affected my life.
President Uchtdorf used the symbol of a "Forget-Me-Not" flower as the focus for his talk. He compared the five petals to five things we must not forget as women in the church. For example, the first petal was to not forget to be patient with ourselves. The third petal was the one that most closely resonated with the feelings of my heart at this stage of my life. He admonished us
not to forget to be happy now. President Uchtdorf told the story of a woman whose sincerest wish in life was to be married in the temple and have a beautiful, perfect family who lived the gospel of Jesus Christ. This was the absolute greatest desire of her heart and it was a worthy goal. To her, ultimate happiness in this earth life would only be achieved once she attained her goal.
President Uchtdorf told of her tragic descent into bitterness and misery as the years passed and her knight in shining armor never came. Perhaps most poignant to me was when he told of her profession as a teacher. She neglected to see what a precious opportunity she had been given to influence the lives of hundreds of children, despite the fact she did not have children of her own. Being a teacher by profession is a rare opportunity that does not come to many women in the church because they have specific responsibilities to their own little flocks. Neither responsibility is greater than the other; rather, they are unique to one another and often do not co-exist. Each woman is given a different set of responsibilites by the Lord according to where He needs her to serve.
Over the past 2 months, I have been overwhelmed by the happiness I have found teaching high school. It was because of the Lord's guidance and direction that I made it here to this place of newly found joy. Without Him, I would never have had the courage to make a change. I feel such gratitude at the opportunity He has afforded me to be part of the lives of young people, both in middle school for three years and now in high school. God made this possible for me. He needs me where I am. He needs me to be an influence for good for the youth and future leaders of the church in ways their parents can't reach them for whatever reason. I was born with a specific skill set that I can use to teach kids who are not my own according to the will of the Lord. Whether that's for one more year or for 30 more, as a married woman or single, I will go and do what the Lord desires of me. And I will be so sincerely happy for the opportunity, whatever it may be.
Will I still have moments of loneliness and despair? Of course. I'm not so idealistic that I think I will never long for a family of my own again. But those times of discouragement will be the exception rather than the rule. I know now that I'm capable of being truly happy because of all the riches I have. They are different than the treasures some of my friends possess, but they are mine and they are precious to me.
Did I ever think I would have this realization? Honestly, no, I didn't. When I reflect on some of the moments of most heart breaking loneliness I have experienced, I would never have been capable of imagining true happiness outside of eternal marriage in this earth life. I was the 4 year old girl who played dress up in wedding dresses and veils. As a teenager, I watched hours of "A Wedding Story" and read countless LDS romance novels. I planned out engagements with several different young men in my imagination. I practiced my signature with various last names depending on my current love interest. I sketched wedding details in my journal. My roommates and I spent some serious cash visiting the stomping grounds of Anne of Green Gables. Ever since I can remember, my number one goal has been to find love, be married, and raise a family. Once I got married, then my mortal puzzle would be complete. That little piece of me that has been missing all these years would finally be put in it's proper place and I would join the happiness club.
But guess what? I'm already in that club and I didn't even realize it. I'm a card holding member. My temple recommend reminds me of the covenants I have made with a Father in Heaven who will never forget me. He has promised me that any of the blessings I don't get right now will be mine forever if I remain faithful. That, in and of itself, provides all the happiness I need in mortality. All I need to do is cleave to those promises every single day and press forward, finding joy in each and every child he has entrusted me to teach day after day and year after year.
I made some promises of my own after that meeting. I promised myself to never again measure the worth of my soul on whether or not I am married. I will not view my single status as failure or as a reason for others to feel anguish on my behalf. I will focus on all the opportunities for motherhood I already have and I will rejoice in them. I will not be ashamed of my life, for I have so much work left to do in the capacities Heavenly Father has provided for me.
I know there are many people who love me who have been waiting for me to figure this out. So many people have told me that not dwelling on being single it is the "golden ticket," as President Uchtdorf would say, to finally finding someone with whom I can raise a family. I've often longed to "figure it out" and not care so much about being married just so my wishes would come true.
But the beauty of the realization I had this weekend is that it doesn't matter anymore whether or not I meet my husband tomorrow, in 5 years, 20 years, or after this life. My happiness is no longer contingent upon that. It is contingent upon what I do with the sacred responsbilites that have been bestowed upon me by a loving Heavenly Father who knows how best I can be of service in His kingdom during my mortal life.
I know that my Redeemer lives. He is the "golden ticket" to happiness in this life. Through His atonement, we can be 100% happy on this earth. He has made it possible for us to have peace and joy through living the gospel and serving in His kingdom. His promises are sure. He will never, ever forget me.