I've been thinking lately about choice and what kind of role it plays in my life.
For example, last night I chose to go to bed at 8:15 p.m. I didn't have anything to do for the rest of the evening and I wasn't quite sure how to handle that. So, I figured I could be really well rested for school the next day, even though I knew in the back of my mind that this was not logical. I determined that if I woke up early due to going to bed early, I could figure out what to do with my time in the morning. It was easier to put off making a decision. I guess one could say I made the choice to not choose. So here I am, 6 hours later, wide awake at 2:45 a.m. I am right now dealing with the consequences of my choice (or would it be a non-choice?). The decision I made isn't of great significance to anyone else, nor will it affect my eternal progression. It has, however, affected my current mood. I am frustrated and not as happy as I could be, because I messed with my body's sleep schedule, I'm wide awake, and I know I'll end up being tired later. I have so much control over my own happiness based on the choices I do or do not make.
Another aspect of choice I've been considering relates to diets. I HATE THE WORD DIET. The word diet is restrictive and binding. It makes me angry. I hate the idea that I am not allowed to eat more than a set number of calories a day or that I cannot have dessert. I want to throw up my hands and give up on dieting permanently when I feel so controlled. After years of trying to find that perfect "fitness program" (as I like to call it, since the word diet makes me want to throw something), I finally figured out that for me, it all boils down to being able to choose. It's really all quite psychological. I do best when I tell myself the following:
"I am choosing to eat less junk food and avoid sweets for awhile in order to slim down and improve my overall health. I am choosing to go to the gym in order to help me accomplish this goal and feel better about myself. If I so desire, I can eat junk food at any moment I feel like it. If I don't want to go to the gym on a particular day because I am exhausted, I wont. I will choose, knowing that I will have to deal with the consequences of my choices later."
This has made such a difference in my life. More often than not, I choose the gym. I choose to avoid the junk food. I choose to control my portions. When I know it's 100% up to me and I determine my own fate, I am more motivated to eat healthier. Now, this is all quite silly, because whether or not I call it a "diet" or a "fitness program," it's all within my control anyway. But in my mind, I want to be in charge of my own personal fitness program, and not let the diet be in charge of me.
Free agency is a beautiful thing. I remember saying in frustration to my roommate Shelley once, "I just want an arranged marriage. I want someone to choose for me and make it happen." I'll never forget what she said to me after that: "The adversary wanted to choose for us. He wanted to force us to do what he wanted. Our ability to choose for ourselves is a beautiful gift." I agree completely. I'm starting to understand this concept better.
It's liberating to feel this way; however, as I've pondered choice even further, I realize that there are some things many define as a choice that I do not agree with. I say this knowing there are many out there who won't agree with my line of thought, but it is part of my personal core beliefs and makes sense to me as I consider the definition of choice and how it permeates all aspects of my life. I say this not to spark debate or argument; I simply want to articulate what choice means to me in every sense of the word.
For every choice, there is a result of some kind. If I choose to go to bed on time and get the right amount of sleep, the consequence will most likely be energy and physical happiness throughout the day. If I choose to kick a dog, the consequence could very well be getting bitten. This is a not so happy consequence. Whether good or bad, the consequence is mine to live with. That's why agency is such an important gift. It allows us to control our own destiny. If we were able to change the consequences of our choices, what's the point of being able to make choices in the first place? Sometimes, however, even when we make a choice with the best of intentions, we cannot control the end result, however much we'd like to. I can choose to apply for a program and do my very best work to get in, but if the school chooses to reject my application, I have to live with those results, whether or not they were the ones I intended.
I think the power of procreation is a sacred power bestowed upon a husband and wife by a loving Heavenly Father. It has other divine purposes; but ultimately, its design is to create children in a family. If you don't agree with me on this point, the rest will not make sense. It is my choice to exercise this power of procreation or not to exercise it. The results of this decision, however, are not my choice.
For example, I have some dear friends who have chosen to exercise pro-creative powers with the intent of having children and they cannot conceive. This is not their choice. Their choice was to try; the end result, however, they could not control. They were forced to live with the consequences and determine what to do from there. Some seek medical help, some choose to adopt, others choose to live a happy life, despite the fact they are childless. I have had many friends suffer miscarriages when their greatest desire was to have children. They made the decision to try for a baby, but they could not control whether or not their baby would live. As much as they would love to alter it, the end result is not theirs to change.
In the same vein, when a couple decides to exercise procreative powers without the intent of having children, they cannot ultimately control the end result. It is possible to become pregnant even after taking precautions to avoid it. Some things we cannot control, despite our efforts to do so. Pregnancy is a always a possibility when the decision is made to exercise procreative powers, whether or not the purpose is to procreate. If I learn I am expecting a child, those are results of my choice. Just as others have to live with consequences of infertility, I must live with the consequences of pregnancy, either happily or unhappily. But I do have a few more choices now. I can choose to raise the child as my own happily or unhappily, or I can give him/her to loving parents.
At this point in my life, I choose not to exercise procreative powers, because I do not want to be faced with the consequences of procreation without a husband. Some might not mind that, but it's important to me. I have also made the choice at this point that I
want to get married and have kids, but I cannot ultimately control whether or not that will happen. I can, however, learn to live happily or unhappily with the consequences.
It's now 4:00 a.m. I've gotten to know myself a little better in the past hour and fifteen minutes. Maybe you know me better now, too. Whether or not you like what you know now about me is your choice!